This is Part 3 of the Relationship Series. If you missed Parts 1 and 2, you can find them here:
In Part 1, I talked about how the best (and only) way to make sure your needs are met in any relationship is to develop a loving, understanding relationship with your Self.
In Part 2, I covered how having a good relationship with your Self impacts your relationships with others, including romantic relationships.
Today, I’m diving into what a relationship without all the drama and pain actually looks (and feels) like.
A funny thing happens when we begin to discover relationships that don’t involve a bunch of drama, work, and pain…
We resist this new possibility with the classic statement, “Relationships are work.”
We say, “But without the drama, won’t it be boring?”
And I get it. That’s what love looks like to us.
All of our past romantic relationships have been rooted in drama and pain, so that’s how we recognize “love.” All of our past relationships really have been a lot of work, and it’s what we’ve been told to expect by everyone else our entire lives.
So, when we start to learn to consciously love another person – when the drama is gone, and it feels effortless – it doesn’t fit our old idea of what love is.
We have to wrap our brain around a whole new version of love and romance.
I’ve even had clients tell me, “This doesn’t sound romantic.”
But here’s the thing. . .
Relationships aren’t supposed to be hard work. If we’re working rather than BEING, then we’re trying to control the environment or another human being.
But you’re not supposed to spend your creative energy on problem-solving and “fixing” another person, or how they act toward you. (You’re not here, on this planet, to get someone to take out the garbage correctly, or to say the right things to you.)
That’s where the drama comes from. That’s why our relationships are full of struggle and the highs and lows that we think are inherent in relationships.
That’s when we experience pain.
And pain actually means that something is off. Something needs to be checked out, it’s time to inquire within. It means that you’re not fully being your Self, or allowing your partner to be him or her Self, truly, authentically, and freely.
As a human being, you’re supposed to use who you are (from the inside out) in some application that is “creative” in the larger context of the word.
And when you’re able to be with another person on that same level, there’s absolutely nothing boring about it.
The truth is, when you get past the drama and the work, that’s when you finally get to experience phenomenal relationships.
You feel zero attachment (goodbye co-dependence and insecurities!). Instead, you feel incredible joy, just being in another person’s presence.
You experience a very grounded knowing that your interaction and engagement (or maybe even your commitment on a piece of paper) is all about being in the present moment, appreciating it, not getting yourself attached to the future, not bringing your past into the present.
Once you discover what it’s like to be You effortlessly, and how to allow another person that same freedom in your presence, people become attracted to your energy. There’s no confusion for them because you are grounded in who you are, and they don’t have to work on you or themselves. In your presence, they get to be grounded, too.
It’s the most incredible gift to give another human being – the gift of being effortlessly You, so they can receive the You that you’re sharing from the inside out – because they, in turn, get to share who they are.
There doesn’t need to be any pain involved your relationships.
It’s based on two individuals being really clear about what they know about themselves, and what they notice feels painless and effortless to them. You can design a life around that.
For me, that means partnering with someone who is equally unconventional and traditional at the same time. Someone who loves the idea of sitting at home with a white picket fence one year, then moving to Italy the next year, then taking a job in L.A. the next year.
Whatever it looks like, you base it on what feels right to both people.
We don’t need the drama. We don’t need to use pain as a stimulus. We don’t need to equate struggle with love, romance, and sex.v
Without all of that stuff, you find a space for your creativity as a human being to be externalized. A space for the natural essence of who you are to flow.
And that, my friend, is sexy and passionate and powerful.
THAT is what fills all of the space that opens up when you stop working and get rid of the drama.
Your relationship will never be boring. There will be no sitting around, staring at your partner, not knowing what to say. It will be full of excitement, stimulation and creativity.
Because no matter what stage of life you’re in, or your partner is in, you’ll both be excited to see what comes next. You’ll want to know what else is possible for these two human beings who have given each other the gift of simply being.
That’s romance. That’s sex. That’s passion. That’s creativity. That’s power. That’s relationship.