We’ve all heard it before: “All relationships are hard work.”
What I’ve found to be more effective when loving someone and sharing who you are, is that it shouldn’t consume your life or even be work at all. In my opinion, relationships can be effortless. Both people are completely transparent about who they are and what they need, and they just share that Self as the way they relate. The connection between them is easy. Transparency drives transparency and it just takes one person in the dynamic to do it for it to flow. There is no uncertainty or confusion. It just is. And the relationship is painless.
In my practice, I encounter people who suffer from so much pain and frustration in their relationships. He doesn’t understand me. She never appreciates me. I need him to love me for who I am. All this pain, all this work, to feel satisfied and validated by the other person is just so ass-backwards. Relationships happen to be the number one cause of pain, but they don’t need to be. In fact they can be the number one cause of enjoyment.
A shift in thinking is essential for your relationship experience to shift. For example, I don’t recommend seeking a relationship with someone else to qualify us. I suggest seeking that validation from within. You should be validating you!
You’re the one that knows better than anyone else how awesome you are. But you may need to shift that thinking if you haven’t noticed your awesomeness and need to have your validation outsourced. This is pretty painful since other human beings and their mindsets are pretty unpredictable. Seems like a lot of work and I hate to work at anything – especially just being human.
If the flood of mom-related advertising campaigns hasn’t clued you in yet, Mother’s Day is this Sunday. And it was probably this first parent-child relationship that is the root of how we define all other relationships – romantic, platonic and even work-related.
We’ve been programmed at a young age to look to other people to authenticate ourselves and who we are. As children, we would hear our mother say, “Oh, he’s such a good kid,” and immediately identify that as who we are. Our sense of self was constructed from external factors: our parents, our education and our environment. But we were never encouraged to look within to form our own identity. FYI, there’s a Self in there that would like your attention. This might shift your need for attention from others that maybe you can never seem to get enough of.
If you find yourself questioning why your current relationship isn’t working the way you need it to, I’d like you to consider having a relationship with yourself first. Admit it, have you ever really nurtured the relationship you have with you?
I encourage you to be positively fascinated with yourself and enjoy the ride. I like to consider, “What’s Tracy going to think, feel or do next?” How interesting and intriguing it can all be….the unfolding and continual expression of a unique and unrepeatable human being….it’s better than watching Bravo.
So, I invite you to tune into the Self that’s in there and notice who they are, what they need, what they think and what emotions or energy is swirling around in there. Find ways to appreciate who you are as an individual. Fall in love with YOU!
If you’re willing to explore yourself you’ll be doing an important job that you keep trying to give to others who need your expertise in the atmosphere. They need a hint on how to love you that comes from your modeling it by just doing it yourself.
Stop telling people how to love you and look in the mirror every time you find yourself thinking someone else should be loving you better. Have that convo with you and do it. Then you’ll see that others can more easily add on to the enjoyment and enthusiasm you have for your adorable Self.
I’ve found that being in a happy and unconditionally loving relationship with myself makes it easier to express the things I want to share with another person and they automatically become attuned to how to relate to me in a way that is truly fulfilling and more importantly, more fun.
Their transparent self is aligned with my transparent self and our sharing the essence of who we are with each other is not only effortless, it has made my life full of emotional availability that I was starving for my whole life. All of that struggle and strife in past relationships and it all came down to creating a relationship to myself that is the methodology of how I connect to others. You can’t give away what you don’t have (for long) and you certainly can’t get what you don’t have. Especially from another mere mortal who has little clue on how to be an expert on you when you’re not even one on yourself yet.
Check Out Part 2 of The Relationship Series >>
Check Out Part 3 of The Relationship Series >>